I just threw up on my dentist
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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