I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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