not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
