Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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