hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
