i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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