I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just threw up on my dentist
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
