I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
