addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
