Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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