Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
