All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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