remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday