she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
His hands were made for my vagina.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
