I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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