"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
