Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
