The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
