I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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