fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
organizing the empties. That sober.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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