got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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