Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I lost the right to judge tonight
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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