I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
