I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You ruined the universe
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
