Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
