did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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