my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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