He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
