Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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