Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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