The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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