I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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