so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
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Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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