I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
