now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
