if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
