I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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