well I can't set my house on fire every night
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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