WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
