just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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