i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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