life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
