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Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
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