Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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