I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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