your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
