tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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