How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
