My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just had sex on a roof
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
