Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
