it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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