so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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