There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
