I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Say something about gay babies.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
