the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
4 words: hood of his car
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
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