Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
