i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
