She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I wear drunk well.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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