Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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