you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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