you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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