i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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