it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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